Project Gutenberg's Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 10, June 4, 1870, by Various Copyright laws are changing all over the world. Be sure to check the copyright laws for your country before downloading or redistributing this or any other Project Gutenberg eBook. This header should be the first thing seen when viewing this Project Gutenberg file. Please do not remove it. Do not change or edit the header without written permission. Please read the "legal small print," and other information about the eBook and Project Gutenberg at the bottom of this file. Included is important information about your specific rights and restrictions in how the file may be used. You can also find out about how to make a donation to Project Gutenberg, and how to get involved. **Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts** **eBooks Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971** *****These eBooks Were Prepared By Thousands of Volunteers!***** Title: Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 10, June 4, 1870 Author: Various Release Date: December, 2005 [EBook #9544] [Yes, we are more than one year ahead of schedule] [This file was first posted on October 8, 2003] Edition: 10 Language: English Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 *** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, VOL. 1, NO. 10 *** Produced by Joshua Hutchinson, Sandra Brown, and Project Gutenberg Distributed Proofreaders from material generously made available by Cornell University
Immediately upon McFarland's acquittal, the Union League of Philadelphia determined to give a grand ball. And they did it. And, what is more, they intend to do it every time the majesty of any kind of Union is vindicated. Except, of course, the union of the "Iron interest" and the public good.
One of the most valuable and instructive features of this ball was, the grand opportunity it offered to the members of the League to show their respect and affection for the spirit of the Fifteenth Amendment, Accordingly, they invited a large number of colored ladies and gentlemen, and the accursed spirit of caste was completely exorcised by the exercises of the evening. The halls were grandly decorated with blackberry and gooseberry bushes, and other rare plants; sumptuous fountains squirted high great streams of XX ale and gin-and-milk; enormous piles of panned oysters, lobster salad, Charlotte Russe, and rice-pudding blocked up half the doorways, while within the dancing hall the merriment was kept up grandly. The ball was opened by a grand Cross-match waltz in which Hon. MORTON MCMICHAEL and Mrs. DINAH J--N; GEORGE H. BOKER and Miss CHLOE P--T--N; WILLIAM D. KELLEY and Aunty Di. LU-V-I-A-N; A. BORIE and Miss E. G--N; Gen. TYNDALE and Miss MAY OR--TY, and several other distinguished couples twirled their fantastic toes in the most reckless abandon. Virginia reels, Ole Kentucky break-downs, and other characteristic dances diversified the ordinary Terpsichorean programme, and the dancing was kept up to a late hour. It was truly gratifying to every consistent supporter of the enfranchisement of the African race, to see such gentlemen as Senator REVELS, FREDERICK DOUGLASS, Mr. PURVIS, and other prominent colored citizens, in the halls of this patriotic and thoroughly American Society. The members of the League were evidently of the opinion that it would be a most flagrant shame, on an occasion of this kind, for them to deny to their colored fellow citizens the rights and privileges that they are so anxious shall be accorded them by every one else; and, while they do not believe that they are bound to invite any one--black or white--to their private reunions on account of political considerations, they do not attempt to deny that, on an occasion of this kind--a celebration in fact of the success of a political party--it would be most shameful to ostracize the very citizens for whom that party labored and conquered. Therefore it was that they so warmly welcomed, within their gorgeous halls, their colored fellow-citizens, and by so doing won for themselves the approbation of every consistent American. It was one of the most affecting sights of the evening to see these gentlemen of the League, nobly trampling under their feet all base considerations of color and caste, and walking arm and arm with their colored sisters; smelling the exotics; admiring the groups of statuary; sipping the coffee and the punch; pricing the crimson curtains; inhaling the perfumes from the cologne-water fountains; ascending and descending the grand walnut staircase (arranged for this occasion only); listening to the birds in the conservatories; and fixing their hair in the magnificent dressing-rooms. When, in the midst of the festivities the band struck up the beautiful air, "Ask me no more!" the honored guests of color looked at each other with pleasant smiles which seemed to denote a perfect satisfaction. And so, whatever may be said of the friends of the colored race in other parts of the country, it must be universally admitted that the Union League of Philadelphia has done its duty!
Good Reading for Topers.
MR. GREELEY's "Recollections of a Boozy Life."
Sporting Intelligence.
A NEWSPAPER item says that "a Mexican offers to shoot JUAREZ for $200."
That's nothing. TAYLOR, of Jersey City, offers to shoot any man in the world for $2000.
The Favorite Drink of the Canadian Government.
CABINET Whiskey.
Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1870, by the PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, in the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the United States, for the Southern District of New-York.
The public still labor under misapprehensions of our character and calling. We are in daily receipt of letters of the most heterogeneous description, the task of answering which we are compelled to utterly forego.
We subjoin a few specimens:
"MR. PUNCHINELLO. Dear Sir: My wife died yesterday, and would you be so kind as to come and make her will? I would not give you the trouble of coming, but the young woman I intend to marry next is going away to-morrow, and I don't want to leave home. My wife had five hundred dollars which I want left to me, and a feather bed, which you may divide amongst the children.
"Yours in affliction,
"SOLOMON SNIPP."
"SIR: I calculate to give a funeral down at my place shortly, that is, if things go right; but we have no preacher to do the work. Would you please to send us one? Not particular what kind, so long as the work is sure. Party is not dead yet, but I make arrangements beforehand as I expect to be insane. Good pay for good work.
"Sincerely,
"P. MCFINIGAN.
"P. S. Do preachers warrant their burials?"
"DEAR MR. PUNCHINELLO:--You were so good as to prescribe a hot pitch plaster for the baby's mouth. Next day I took the prescription to your office, but failed to get it made up, as the devil, they told me, was busy. Will you please inform me when you will be at leisure? Meanwhile baby yells.
"Yours truly,
"C. PUGSBY.
"P.S. Later. Mrs. PUGSBY says if I apply that plaster she will go insane. True, she does not understand fire-arms, but then I should be afraid to drink any coffee for a month. In the meantime, if the baby keeps on, I shall go crazy myself; so there is likely to be a casualty somewhere. What's to be done? Shall I bring the child to you?
"C. P."
Answer. At your peril. Go crazy and shoot it; then we will go crazy and turn counsel for the defence. The result will probably be that you are handed over to the ladies to be kissed into reason; but if you would rather be hung, you must do the shooting over in New-Jersey.
Circumstances having rendered it probable that the dispute respecting the authorship of the poem "Beautiful Snow" may shortly be revived, PUNCHINELLO takes this opportunity of setting the public right on the subject, and silencing further controversy regarding it for ever.
It is the production of Mr. PUNCHINELLO, himself; was composed by him so long ago as July, 1780, and copyrighted in August of the same year. It may be asked how the idea of snow-flakes happened to occur to him in July. That question is easily settled. The day was sultry; thermometer 98° in the arbor. Drowsed by the sultry air--not to mention the iced claret--Mr. PUNCHINELLO posed himself gracefully upon a rustic bench, and slept. Presently the lovely lady who was fanning him, fascinated by the trumpet tones that preceded from his nose, exclaimed: "Beautiful Snore!" This was repeated to him when he awoke, and hence the origin of the poem.
The Grand Duke ALEXIS, of Russia, proposes to come to these shores and inspect the American system of fish culture. With this end in view, he will, of course, be the particular guest of Gen. GRANT, and will, no doubt, be surprised to find that our principal FISH is a cultivated man. But he will better understand our FISH system by witnessing its operations in Spanish and Canadian waters, as also in those of Sault St. Marie.
The regular troops for the Canadian Red River Expedition have been supplied by Gen. LINDSEY, and are commanded by Col. WOLSLEY--a fact oddly co-incidental with the reported flimsy character of the expedition, so far as it has gone.
It is stated that the clams along the Stratford shore are dying by thousands of a malignant disease, which a correspondent of the Bridgeport Standard calls "clam cholera." This is a sad c'lamity for the people of the Stratford shore.
The appointment of colored postmasters in Maryland may be all very well; but PUNCHINELLO would like to know whether the Post-office authorities intend to revive the custom of Blackmailing.
|
Comedy personified, in Mr. CLARKE, has now reigned at BOOTH'S for nearly six weeks. During that time there has been a perceptible change in the metaphorical atmosphere of the house. The audience no longer wears the look of subdued melancholy which was once involuntarily assumed by each mourner for the memory of SHAKSPEARE, who passed the solemn threshold. The ushers no longer find it necessary to sustain their depressed spirits by the surreptitious chewing of the quid of consolation, and are now the most pleasant, as they were always the most courteous, of their kind. Persons have even been heard, within the past week, to allude to BOOTH'S as a "theatre," instead of a "temple of art;" and though the convulsions of nature which attend the shifting of the scenery, and cause castles to be violently thrown up by volcanic eruptions and forests to be suddenly swallowed by gaping earthquakes, impart a certain solemnity to the brightest of comedies, still there is a general impression among the audience that BOOTH'S has become a place of amusement. And in noting this change PUNCHINELLO does not mean to jeer at the former and normal character of BOOTH'S. BEETHOVEN'S Seventh Symphony, DANTE'S Inferno, JEFFERSON'S Rip Van Winkle, and EDWIN BOOTH'S Hamlet are not amusing, but it does not follow that they are therefore unworthy of the attention of the public, which is pleased with the rattle of De Boots, and tickled with the straw of Toodles. |
FOX vs. GOOSE is a three act comedy in which Mr. CLARKE last week made his audience laugh as freely as though the tomb-stones of all the Capulets were not gleaming white and awful in the lamplight of the property-room; or, at all events, would be gleaming if any body were to hunt them up with a practicable lantern. The opening scene is the tap-room of an inn, where Mr. FOX FOWLER, an adventurer, is taking his ease and his unpaid-for gin-and-milk.
Enter Landlord, presenting his bill. "Here, sir, you've been drinking my beer for several years, and now I want you to pay for it."
Fox. "My friend! why ask me to pay bills? Do you not perceive that I wear a velvet coat? And, besides, even if I wanted to pay I could not until my baggage, which I gave to an expressman ten years ago, shall reach me. It will probably arrive in a month or two more."
Landlord. "Here comes Sir GANDER GOSLING. I'll complain to him of your conduct."
(Enter Sir Gander.)
Fox. "My dear Sir GANDER. Allow me to embrace you."
Sir Gander. "I don't know you. I'm not my son JACK."
Fox. "But I am Jack's dearest friend. I have saved him from drowning, from matrimony, from reading the Nation, from mothers-in-law, and all other calamities mentioned in the litany."
Sir Gander. "Describe him to me, if you know him so well."
Fox. "He is tall, dark, slender, and quiet in manner."
Sir Gander. "My dear fellow he is short, fat, light, and noisy. I am convinced that you know him. Permit me to pay your bill, lend you money, and tell you all about our dear JACK'S intended marriage." (He pays, lends, and narrates accordingly. A terrific rattling of dishpans simulates the arrival of a train. Sir GANDER departs and JACK GOSLING enters.)
Fox. "My dear JACK, allow me to embrace you."
Jack. "I don't know you. I'm not my father."
Fox. "But I am your father's dearest friend. Sit down and have a bottle of wine, and tell me all about ROSE MANDRAKE, your intends bride. 'Rose! Rose! the coal black Rose!' as MILTON finely remarks." (They sit down and JACK immediately gets very drunk, thereby affording another proof of the horribly adulterated condition of the liquor used on the stage, which infallibly intoxicates an actor within two minutes after it is imbibed. [Let the Excise authorities see to this matter.] Finally JACK falls, and the curtain immediately follows his example.)
Critical Young Man, who reads all the theatrical "notices" in the Herald in the leisure moments when he is not selling yards of tape and ribbon. "I don't think much of CLARKE. He ain't half the man that NED FORREST is. There ain't a bit of spontanatious humor in him. Them San Francisco Minstrels can beat him out of sight."
Accompanying Young Female Person. "Yes, I think so, too. I hate to see a man act drunk. It's so low and vulgar. I like pretty plays, like they have at WALLACK'S."
Respectable Old Gentleman. "PLACIDE--BLAKE--BURTON--"
Every Body Else. "Well, this is real humor; I haven't laughed so much since I heard BEECHER preach a funeral sermon."
The second act takes place in the house of Major MANDRAKE. Fox has successfully assumed the character of JACK GOSLING, and is having a pleasant chat with the family, when the gardener enters to inform the Major that a flock of crows is in sight.
Major Mandrake. "I love the pleasures of the chase. Bring my gun, and I will shoot the crows." (He goes out, and shoots JACK, who is climbing over the gate. Re-enter Major and men carrying JACK.)
Major. "Alas! I have missed the crow over the cornfield, and lost the crow over my shooting which I would otherwise have had. Also I have shot a man out of season, and the sportsmen's club will prosecute me."
Jack. "I am not dead, though my appearance and conversation might induce you to think so. My name is JACK GOSLING. The chap in the velvet coat is an impostor."
Major, Fox, and other dramatis persons. "Away with the wretch! He himself is the impostor. Call a policeman who will club him if he makes no resistance."
JACK is dragged away, but perpetually returns and denounces his rival. He is bitten by suppositious dogs cunningly simulated by stage carpenters, who remark "bow wow" from behind the scenes. He is cut by ROSE MANDRAKE, and also by rows of broken bottles, which line the top of the wall on which he makes a perilous perch, not having a pole or rod with which to defend himself against the dogs. He is challenged by Fox and seconded by Miss BLANCHE BE BAR in naval uniform. Finally he takes refuge in the china closet, and hurls cheap plates and saucers at his foes. With the exhaustion of the supply of crockery, the act naturally comes to an end, and, as frequently occurs in similar cases, the curtain falls.
Comic Man. "Why does CLARKE, when he slings china at the company, remind you of the Paraguayan war? Of course you give it up. Because he carries on a war on the Plate. Do you see it? Crockery plates and the river Plate, you know. Ha! ha!"
And two ushers, reinforced by a special policeman, drag the miserable man away, and lead him to MAGONIGLE'S private room, there to be dealt with for the hideous crime of making infamous jokes in BOOTH'S theatre. He is never seen again, and so the Philadelphia Day loses its brightest ornament.
The third act consists of a duel between JACK and FOX, each of whom is too cowardly to fight. They therefore follow the safer example of rival editors, and swear and scold at each other. At last a small millennium of universal reconciliation takes place, and the usual old comedy "tag" ends the play.
(Parenthetically, why "tag?" Does it receive this name because its invariable stupidity suggests those other worthless commodities "rag" and "bob-tail," which, outside of theatres, are generally associated with the name.)
And every body goes away murmuring of the genial humor of CLARKE, the magical violin of MOLLENHAUER, the elegance, convenience and comfort of the theatre, the matchless memory of BOOTH'S Hamlet and Iago, and the golden certainty of the coming of Rip Van Winkle. And every body is supremely satisfied, and says to every body else, "This theatre needs only a company, to be the foremost theatre of either continent."
MATADOR.
The up-town theatrical sensation is, we hear, produced "regardless of expense." We had reason to think that its managers would show more Frou-frou-frugality.
Of this genus there are countless varieties, differing widely in the cut of their monkey jackets, as the untravelled American naturalist will doubtless have observed on traversing his native sidewalk. The educated specimens met with in our cities are upon the whole well Organized, and appear to have music in their soles. For its feats à pied, the tame monkey is indebted to a Piedmontese who accompanies him.
To behold the monkey race in their glory, however, they must be seen in their native woods, where they dwell in genteel independence, enjoying their entailed estates and living on their own cocoa nuts. There will be found the Gibbon, whose Decline and Fall when yielding the Palm to some aspiring rival is swifter than that of the Roman Empire; the Barberry Ape, so called from feeding exclusively on Barberries; the Chimpanzee--an African corruption of Jump-and-see, the name given to the animal by his first European discoverers in compliment to his alertness; the Baboon, a melancholy brute that, as you may observe from his visage, always has the blues; to say nothing of a legion of Red Monkeys, which are particularly Rum Customers.
Some men of science have advanced the theory that man is the climactic consequence of innumerable improvements of the monkey; the negro as he now exists being the result of the Fifteenth Amendment. These philosophers erect a sort of pyramid of progress, placing an Ape at the base and a Caucasian at the Apex. This wild hypothesis of a monkey apotheosis can of coarse only be regarded Jockolarly, in other words, with a grin. Nevertheless the Marmozet is sufficiently like a little Frenchwoman to be called a Ma'amoiselle, and there are (in New-Zealand for instance) human heathen with a craving for the Divine, to whom the Gorilla, though not a man, is certainly a brother. Possibly the Orang Outang, if able to express his thoughts in an harangue, might say with Mr. DICKENS, "I am very human." He certainly looks it.
There is a strong facial resemblance among the simious races--Simia Similibus. This likeness does not, however, extend in all cases to the opposite extremity. Some monkeys have no tails. Of the tailless Apes it is said that they originally erased their rear appendages by too much sitting--perhaps as members of the "Rump" in some Anthropoid Congress. Be that as it may, the varieties that have retained their tails seem disposed to hang on to them, and will doubtless continue to do so by hook or by crook.
The natives of Africa believe that the monkeys would converse with them if they were not afraid of being set to work; but it is quite apparent that they are not averse either to labor or conversation, inasmuch as among themselves they frequently Mow and Chatter.
MR. PUNCHINELLO: If I can induce you to take a few shares in the above-named Co. (at a merely nominal price, I assure you,) I think I shall do you a very great favor, and at the same time secure to the Co. the benefit of your enormous influence.
The Grand Points, in this unequalled Scheme, may be explained as follows:
The Tea is from the new African Tea Fields, (that is the holds of ships in which it has spoiled, or become musty, or lost its bouquet, and the old chests of the usual dealers,) and is delivered in our ware-rooms for a mere song, so to speak: say the Song of Sixpence (a pound.)
At a small additional outlay, we dye and scour this Tea, or otherwise Renovate it to such an extent that Nature herself would be deceived, at least till she began to sip the decoction from it, when, perhaps, she would conclude not to try any further issues with this Co.
These African Tea Fields (cultivated by Ourselves) are "situated near the Cape of Good Hope." From the recent appreciation of African Interests (and, of course, technology,) you will perceive that in our Name and Scheme is Good Hope indeed, for the Stockholders, if not the tea-drinkers.
Our system of business embraces, in part, the following ingenious and strictly novel features: By means of circulars and extensive advertising we convince the public (an easy task) that, in consequence of Raising the Tea Ourselves, from "Our Own Tea Fields," (and thus saving a great many profits to different absorbents of the people's money,) we can afford it at ruinously low prices, yet the Tea is always A. 1. (which, in familiar language, might be construed as A Wonder especially to the Chinese.) We make a great variety out of the same stock! One may always know the Great A. Co.'s Tea from the circumstance of it's never having either odor or flavor. We find, after ample experience, that the presence of either of these qualities directly injures the sale. Give it plenty of Astringency (an easy knack) and it will be sure to go down in this country. It is our experience (and that of many other Operators of our kind--or upon our kind, if you prefer the phrase,) that people like to be imposed upon, and can always be taken with the Economical hook. If an article (of Tea, for instance) is only "cheap" enough, it may be ever so nasty and unwholesome, and yet it will Sell! Sell? Bless you! you can't produce it fast enough--even from your Own Tea Fields!
We make an article of Coffee (which we have almost decided to call Cuffee) that has as much Color in one pound as the real (an inferior) article has in six! Boarding-house keepers praise it! It goes far, and is actually preferred to Mocha! We sell it for less than the latter could be bought for at wholesale, in Arabia, and yet you will readily believe we make money by it.
A few shares will be sold to you for a mere fraction of their nominal value. Call and see us, at the sign of the GREAT AFRICAN (TEA CO.)
T. T. T. (for the Co.)
We are happy to inform our readers that we have made a special arrangement with the telegraph companies, by which we shall receive the only reliable news from Cuba. The following telegrams from Havana, which were received at this office at a late hour last night, will show how full and accurate our Cuban news will henceforth be:
FIRST DISPATCH.
HAVANA, May 26th, 9 P.M.--(From a Cuban Patriot.)--A great battle was fought yesterday between the National army and the Spanish Cut-throats. General CESPEDES, with five hundred men, attacked VALMESEDA, who had eleven thousand men in a strong position, and completely routed him. The Invaders lost ten thousand in killed and wounded, and nine hundred prisoners. Twenty pieces of artillery were captured. This blow will crush the Spanish brigands, and make certain the independence of the island. Our loss was trifling--only a drummer-boy or two.
SECOND DISPATCH.
9:30 P.M.--(From the Spanish Authorities.)--A great battle was fought yesterday between the loyal army and the rebel hordes. General VALMESADA, with five hundred men, attacked CESPEDES, who had eleven thousand men in a strong position, and completely routed him. The brigands lost ten thousand in killed and wounded, and nine hundred prisoners. Twenty pieces of artillery were captured. This blow will crush the rebels, and make certain the establishment of order in the island. Our loss was trifling--only a sutler or two.
THIRD DISPATCH.
10 P.M.--(From a Cuban Patriot.)--Our victory was more complete than at first believed. Only two Spaniards escaped. Our only loss was one drummer-boy slightly wounded.
FOURTH DISPATCH.
10:30 P.M.--(From the Spanish Authorities.)--Our victory was more complete than was at first believed. Only two rebels escaped. Our only loss was one sutler somewhat demoralized.
FIFTH DISPATCH.
11 P.M.--(From a Cuban Patriot.)--CESPEDES had only two hundred men, and VALMESADA eight thousand. The latter is reported killed. The victory was complete.
SIXTH DISPATCH.
11:30 P.M.--(From the Spanish Authorities.)--VALMESEDA had only two hundred men, and CESPEDES eight thousand. The latter is reported killed. The victory was complete.
SEVENTH DISPATCH.
12 M.--(From a Cuban Patriot.)--The battle was not so bloody as was at first reported. The Patriots had fifty men, and were greatly outnumbered. Several dead Spaniards were left on the field. No artillery was captured, but a great quantity of supplies was taken.
EIGHTH DISPATCH.
12:30 A.M.--(From the Spanish Authorities.)--The battle was not so bloody as was at first reported. The loyal force consisted of only fifty men, and many dead rebels were left on the field. No artillery was captured, but a great quantity of bananas was taken.
NINTH DISPATCH.
1 A.M.--(From a Cuban Patriot.)--It is now known that the battle was only a skirmish. The Spaniards attacked our men in order to seize upon their extra linen. They were repulsed however.
TENTH DISPATCH.
1:30 A.M.--(From the Spanish Authorities.)--It is now known that the battle was only skirmish. The rebels attacked a hen-roost in search of eggs, but were repulsed.
ELEVENTH DISPATCH.
3 A.M.--(From a Cuban Patriot.)--The rumor of a battle seems to have originated in a fight between a Patriot and a mob of blood-thirsty Spaniards in an alley in this city. The latter managed to escape.
TWELFTH DISPATCH.
2:30 A.M.--(From the Spanish Authorities.)--The rumor of a battle evidently grew out of a fight in an alley of this city, between a Volunteer and a mob of rebel sympathizers. The latter were all arrested.
THIRTEENTH DISPATCH.
3 A.M.--(From the American, Consul.)--Yesterday a Cuban boy threw a stone at a dog belonging to one of the volunteers. The dog ran away. All is quiet in the city, and elsewhere on the island.
At this point we were compelled to go to press. The above dispatches, however, furnish the latest and only reliable intelligence from Cuba.
THERE is some talk of reviving the Tournament in this region, and the young men are expected to show their skill in "riding at the ring." If our young men were to put any number of good sharp lances through a few of our City Rings, they would be noble and chivalrous fellows, surely.
Mr. BERGH, the philodoggist, is an honest oracle in his way, and when he opes his mouth we hope no cur will be ungrateful enough to bark. He says in his last lecture that dumb animals are creatures like unto himself. That accounts for Mr. BERGH being Deer to the quadrupeds, and such a Terrier to their enemies.
An Ocean Cable Company has just asked Congress for a grant of lands. The request is natural, as the Company, of course, wants to see its cable well Landed.
Gifts should be seasonable. We therefore signify our highest approval of the judgment of those "keyind" friends who lately gave to Miss CLARA LOUISE KELLOGG, our own beloved nightingale, an elegant "Fruit Receiver." Birds, as a rule, are prohibited by law from partaking of fruit, but that is only while it is the on branches; and, perhaps, if EVE had only possessed an elegant "Fruit Receiver," she might have put the apple into it, instead of eating that most unfortunate pippin, so greatly to human distress and detriment. And, now that Miss CLARA has such a beautiful article to hold them, we suggest that, at her next benefit, instead of the fading and comparatively worthless bouquets, she be presented with a bushel of the very best pippins--and we intend to do it.
It is stated, now, that GARIBALDI, foiled in his attempts to join the Italian insurgents, is about to throw himself, sword in hand, among the Red River malcontents. This rumor has its origin, probably, in the fact that GARIBALDI usually wears a red shirt.
The Massachusetts Dentists (excellent men, not to be spoken of without a shudder) have been holding an annual meeting in Boston. They talked, discussed, suggested and explained; and then, to show that they were physicians who could heal themselves, they partook together of a most beautiful dinner. We are not told so, but we suppose that the viands on this occasion were of the very toughest description--geese of venerable age, fried heel tops, and beef like unto the beef of a boarding-house. Whether, considering their facilities for mastication, a landlord should not charge the members of a Dental Association double, is a question for casuists.
It is noted, as a very remarkable fact, that "the Member of Parliament for Sheffield first entered that town as an Italian image boy." He was the image of his mother.
Voice at Rome. "I am the infallible PIO Nono."
Echo, everywhere. "'No! no!'"
M. T.
[Compare a much more "poetic" effusion, under this head, in all the American newspapers.]
|
There's a screech upon the housetop, a creak upon the plain, They bring a thought of strawberries, which I shall never taste; Oh, bah! What bosh these "poets" write, about this humbug pet! Who ever thought to welcome the ingenious, sprightly Wren? |
There is shortly to arrive in Paris a dwarf aged about fifty-five years, having a beard reaching to his feet, but with only one arm and a completely bald head. He possesses 2,000,000 francs, which he is willing to share with any young girl about twenty years old, who is pretty and good tempered.
The person above alluded is, unquestionably, our eldest son, Mr. PUNCHINELLO, Jr. He is--we say it with many tears--as great a rascal as any in the world, although no child was ever flogged more regularly and affectionately. His conduct broke his mother's head; and he was put under bonds to keep the peace at the age of two years. After a long period of flagrant insubordination, he ran away with a part of our money, and of his plunder he may possibly have 2,000,000 francs left--but we don't believe it. This is to warn all tradesmen in Paris from trusting him on our account, as we shall pay no debts of his contracting.
|
SENATE.DRAKE quacked according to his custom--this time about the propriety of hanging people in the Southern States. There were several people in Missouri whom he particularly desired to see extinguished. He referred to the fiends in human shape, whose hands were dripping with loyal gore, and whom the unrepentant rebels of his State actually desired to send to the Senate, in the place of himself. He lacked words to express his sense of so gross an outrage. He thought that he could be comparatively happy if forty thousand men were hanged or otherwise "disabled" from voting against him. That would make his reëlection a pretty sure thing. Mr. FERRY said he really thought this thing had gone far enough. People were coming to understand that the general run, he did not refer to Bull Run, of the Northern army was just about as good, and no better, than the general run, he did not refer to Gettysburgh, of the Southern army. As for DRAKE, he was a canard, and his statement was another. He did not approve of the bloody Drakonian code. Mr. MORTON said FERRY was very easily crossed. As for him he considered that FERRY was a Copperhead. Mr. REVELS was in favor of removing disabilities as soon as it could be done with safety. They all knew what he meant by safety. As soon as not only his calling, which was formerly clerical, although now legislative, and election were made sure, he was ready to let everybody vote. While his election was doubtful, he was in favor of keeping out votes enough to insure it. He believed that to be the view of every Senator. (Hear. Hear.) |
Mr. SAWYER thought his opinion as good as REVELS'S, if he was white. He considered that he was safe in South Carolina, and he disapproved of the glut of Republican Southern Senators. Upon these grounds he went for the removal of the disabilities.
Mr. DAWES did a neat thing. He represented that the Naval Appropriation bill contained a number of most nutritious jobs (as indeed it turned out that it did.) Upon this hint SCHENCK agreed to let the tariff "pass" for the present, though he reserved the right to order it up at any time. Thereupon the astute DAWES moved to postpone it indefinitely, to the huge disgust of Mr. SCHENCK, who said he ought to be ashamed of himself. Here was the oyster pining for protection, the peanut absolutely shrivelling on its stalk under the neglect of Congress, and the American hook-and-eye weeping for being overrun by the imported article. He hoped the pig-iron, whose claims they had refused to consider, might lie heavy on their souls.
KELLEY was too full of pig-iron for utterance.
|
If, in the "opening" of my learnéd friend I fear, my captious friend, But ask the Client what he thinks is right! But, pshaw! coming to look at you, I see |
Since "gin-and-milk" has been declared to be an uncanonical beverage, much uncertainty prevails among the brethren of the cloth as to what refreshment would be considered orthodox and proper. There is no doubt that some men are so constituted as to require fluid aids to religion. To deprive them of it would be to strike a blow at popular piety. As the laborer is worthy of his hire, so is the minister, whose throat becomes parched by reason of much exhortation, worthy of the liquid balm which is to renew his powers and strengthen his organs. PUNCHINELLO has had under consideration the question of inventing some drink which might happily satisfy the wants of the thirsty and avoid the scandal which "gin-and-milk" has created among the godly. Many correspondents have suggested to him various decoctions, but, as they all involved spirituous ingredients, he has felt compelled to reject them. After considerable trial, he flatters himself, however, that he has fallen upon a discovery which may remove every objection. It is very simple, and that of itself should be a strong recommendation.
Take some raw potatoes; thoroughly extract the juice; mix with it about three ounces of horse-radish, (this to give it pungency,) flavor the same with any aromatic root to suit the taste, and then let the whole boil for one hour. After cooling, tightly bottle the mixture, and within twenty-four hours it will be fit for use. The process then will be to drink it in the same quantity that one would take either gin or whisky, being careful to hold to the nose during the act of swallowing, a sponge well saturated with pure alcohol. Between the pungency communicated to the taste by the horse-radish and the fumes of the spirit invading the nasal avenues, the illusion of a good "square drink" will be complete.
An instance of singularly vitiated taste has just come to the knowledge of PUNCHINELLO. A caterer in Baxter Street provides juvenile boot-blacks with the hind legs of rats, and declares that his guests eat them with great avidity and experience no ill effects. They are rolled in pulverized crackers, and cooked in lard. The dish is considered a great dainty, and is only within the reach of the aristocratic portions of that community. One chief cause of this culinary success is the fact that the provider keeps the knowledge of it to himself, going upon the French principle of "eat what's put before you and ask no questions." Fried horse liver has risen to great popularity with Americans in Paris, owing to the adoption of a similar caution. Fastidious tourists have been known to smack their lips over horse tenderloin, under the impression that the peculiarity of its flavor was to be attributed entirely to the devices of a Parisian cuisine.
This pleasant hypothesis has unquestionably prevented many a stomach from revolting, and increased the reputation of French cooks. It is related of the astronomer LALANDE that he often ate caterpillars and spiders, affirming that the former tasted like almonds and the latter like walnuts; but no American who ever feasted inadvertently on horse liver or a savory sirloin of the same flesh, has yet been found to acknowledge the fact, much less to promote a taste for it by any seductive comparison. The Baxter Street purveyor imitates the Parisian restaurateur in the mystery with which he surrounds his art, and so both prosper.
Georgia. Mistaken. The columns of PUNCHINELLO are not for sale. If you want to buy editorial columns you should apply to the managers of the Washington Chronicle. For tariff of rates consult Governor BULLOCK of your State, who is thoroughly informed on the subject.
Anxious Inquirer. Our story of the "Mystery of Mr. E. DROOD," will shortly be published in weekly parts, and it would be unfair to Mr. DICKENS as well to Mr. ORPHEUS C. KERR to tell you the Mystery.
Traveller. We believe that the Street Car Conductors are obliged to pass a preliminary examination in packing herrings, before a car is given to them.
Dramatical. Can you tell me the origin of the expression, "Let's have
a smile," meaning of course, to take a drink?--Yes; it is from Julius
Caesar, where CASSIUS says to BRUTUS:
--"Farewell BRUTUS!
If we do meet again we'll Smile, indeed."
Act V. Scene 1.
Hoyle. The old remark, "When in doubt play a trump," has fallen through, as, when in doubt, the player generally plays the Deuce.
Henry Jones. No. You are wrong. Sic semper tyrannis, does not mean "Tyrants are always sick."
Villikens. Mr. HORACE GREELEY, although an intimate personal friend of WESTON, the pedestrian, is not, as you suppose, the Compiler of WALKER'S Dictionary.
Cornet. The critic was wrong in attributing "freshness" to the air of "Walking down Broadway." If you walk down Broadway at this season you will find the air any thing but fresh.
Gin-and-Milk. It is a mistake. THEODORE TILTON never sang Comic Songs in a Houston Street Free-and-Easy.
Chutney. Somebody has been "selling" you. BABOO BRAHMIN CHUNDER SEN is not a relation of HANS CHRISTIAN ANDERSEN.
Sculp. Is it in your power to give the proportions of a perfect human figure?
Answer. Your question implies a doubt of the genius of a great American Sculptor. It is in our Power. Look at his figure of the Greek Slave.
Richard III. My friends think that I have a decided talent for the stage. How can I be fitted for it?
Answer. By a theatrical costumer. Pay great attention to "Measure for Measure."
Debrett. Who were the Knight's Companions of the Bath?
Answer. Towels and Soap.
|
'Tis true the Empire's Capital, the centre of authority, Self-contained and unembarrassed, I awaited at the Tuileries I smile in cold contempt at the Old-time Barricade tricks-- The Drapeau Rouge is down--HUGO, BLANC and LEDRU ROLLIN Though the Left's intemperate oracles, political and clerical, To France I said, "My Country, behold I freely tender thee She has answered, France has answered, in thunderings articulate, |
What a set of grumblers the Canadians are. They seem never to be satisfied with their public men. First they were berating the minister of Justice for too large a practice at the Bar. Now they have turned their attention to the gentleman (Mr. LANGEVIN) who is to engineer the domestic relations between the Confederate Provinces, on the ground of looking after his own Domestic Relations first. Surely, this is "factious opposition," as their Mr. HOLTON would say.
MR. PUNCHINELLO is pleased to observe that there is to be a meeting of the Western Social Science Association in Chicago, and he hereby announces his intention of attending as a Volunteer Delegate. He will, if he is well treated by the Convention, so that he may reach the elevation of soul necessary, read exhaustive and exhausting papers on the following subjects:
1. On the complete removal of the buildings now constituting the City of Washington to Chicago.
2. On Free Drinks; their origin, history, purpose, and influence.
3. On a curious fluid known as Drinking-Water; observed in other parts of the world, but entirely unknown in Chicago.
4. On Virtue its Own Reward, as exemplified in the Lives and Adventures of the Chicago Police.
5. On the Various Smells to be observed in Chicago (with pungent experiments.)
6. On the Exact Trigonometrical Measurement of a Corner in Grain.
7. On the feasibility of working an Elevator entirely by whisky power.
MR. PUNCHINELLO has prepared forty-nine other papers on different scientific subjects, including Pugilism, Base Ball, the Velocipede, Female Suffrage, and Lake Navigation; and he now awaits on invitation from Chicago to come on with his largest drum and his most melodious trumpet. He is aware of the general impression among the Children of the West that they already know every thing. He hastens to assure them that they labor under the most hideous of delusions.
|
It must have been in "fly-time" that Shakspeare wrote-- |
A Dead Beat to the Windward.
MR. ASHBURY of "Cambria" fame.
|
Some trouble with regard to the Gulf fisheries appears to be anticipated, and loud calls are being made upon Government by the fishermen, who demand that immediate steps be taken for securing their rights. The unmasterly inactivity of President GRANT, in the matter, is considered by the fishermen as indicating a want of Porpus. They are also very much chagrined with the Government for sending out to the fishing-banks a dispatch boat bearing the inappropriate name of "Frolic." There is a levity about this quite out of keeping with the serious character of the question, and it is doubtful whether the fishermen would not prefer a fight on the banks to a Frolic. Although the Government appears to Flounder sadly in the mud-banks of this fishery question, still there is some hope that coercive measures may yet be taken for restraining the Dominion fishermen from having every thing on their own hook. Rumor has it that the monitor Miantonomah, Captain SCHUFELDT, is awaiting orders for a cruise to the troubled waters. This will doubtless prove to be a very summary and complete way of settling the difficulty, inasmuch as a few broadsides from the huge thunderer referred to would kill every fish upon the banks, and blacken each particular fisherman into an OTHELLO with an "occupation gone." The Canadian fishermen, of course, would suffer equally with those of our own shores. They are a light-hearted people, though, are these Canadians, fond of music and dancing, and they would doubtless find consolation for their troubles by addressing the skipper of the Miantonomah in a grand MASANIELLO strain, chorussed with "SCHUFELDT don't bother us!" |
Mythology is the term by which the ancient Greek or Roman used to distinguish hiss religion from the rival religions of other and heretical pagans. Just as Orthodoxy, according to DEAN SWIFT, means "my doxy," and Heterodoxy, the doxy of other people; so the pious Roman used to speak of "my thology" as the only genuine religion; the "thologies" of other men being cheap and worthless counterfeits of the real article. The classic mythology had a large and varied assortment of deities, from which every man could select a supply to suit himself. Thus the lawyer could place a bust of Mercury, the god of chicanery, in his office, and so secure the patronage of the god and save the expense of a tin sign announcing his profession. The editor could dedicate his paper to the service of Janus, the two-faced deity, and thus pursue his business without perilling his reputation for religious consistency. The advantages of this sort of thing need hardly be enlarged upon.
We propose to give easy and familiar descriptions of the more important gods of classic mythology, for the benefit of our younger readers. We therefore begin without further delay, with the chief deities of Olympus, the celestial Tammany Hall of the period. The Olympians formed a sort of Ring which governed the entire celestial and infernal world, and as they were the only judges of elections, they retained the power undisturbed.
JUPITER. This individual was a jolly, good-tempered, old Olympian who lived in great terror of his wife, JUNO, and was sadly addicted to surreptitious beer, and undignified flirtations with the female servants. He was fond of disguising himself, and staying out late at night in search of adventures. It is difficult, however, to believe that he really disguised himself as a swan, in order to present his bill to LEDA. The story, doubtless, originated in the fact that JUNO called him "an old goose," to which he very probably replied that "other woman appreciated him better, and that LEDA, for example, would be more apt to call him a duck or a swan, than a degraded and abject goose." So, too, in regard to the story that he disguised himself as a bull, and in that eccentric costume made love to EUROPA. One legend expressly states that he pretended to be an Irish bull. This is, of course, a figurative way of saying that he proclaimed himself an Irish gentleman, a descendant of BRIEN BORU and a graduate of Trinity College. EUROPA was probably a child's nurse, and the fascinating Irish gentleman was accustomed to meet her in the Park, and enliven her with his national witticisms. One can easily believe that he made love to DANAE by throwing a shower of gold in her lap--a story which shows that women were much the same in ancient times as they are to day. There is no denying that JUPITER was a sad old dog, and that he would have been killed a dozen times by insane husbands had he not been immortal. However, he was pretty severely punished by JUNO, who was the leader of the Olympian Sorosis, and who used to hear of all his disreputable flirtations from the respectable spinsters of that Wild Goddess Association, and would keep him awake night after night, with curtain lectures on the subject. JUPITER was, ex-officio, the chairman of the Olympian Society, and he once crushed a rebellion of the Titans, who were the Roughs of the period, by locking them out of the Olympian Hall, and shying all sorts of heavy missiles, such as charters--a Greek word signifying a mountainous burden--out of the upper chamber at them. He had a large number of relatives whom he placed in all the fat offices, and though there was some dissatisfaction with his government, it was generally agreed that he was better fitted for his position than anyone of the Titans would have been. No one knows what was the ultimate fate of JUPITER. He was, however, dethroned by the Emperor CONSTANTINE, and was never afterwards heard of; though it is well known that the inhabitants of certain inland counties of New Jersey still believe in his existence, and have not yet heard of CONSTANTINE'S reformation.
Why is Paris the greatest place in the world for the prosecution of newspaper enterprises?
Because there all newspaper enterprises are prosecuted.
That practised by the "hanging committee" of the Academy of Design.
Come into the garden Maudlin.
Many complaints have been made to the Publishers of PUNCHINELLO regarding the price asked for the paper by news-dealers in some parts of this city, as well as elsewhere--viz.: Fifteen Cents a single copy.
Now, the price of a single copy of PUNCHINELLO is Ten Cents, and no newsman has a right to charge more for one, seeing that his profit on it at the regular price is equal to that made by him on any other illustrated paper.
However gratifying it may be to us to know that our paper is considered by dealers as being more valuable than any other one of a similar class, it has become necessary for us to correct the abuse referred to. The best way of effecting this is for our readers to send in their subscriptions directly to this office. To every subscriber who sends in $4, PUNCHINELLO shall be sent for one year, together with a splendid premium; particulars respecting which will be found on last page of this number.
By following this arrangement, readers will get the paper regularly at their respective addresses, and will avoid the possibility of being imposed on.
End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 10, June 4,
1870, by Various
*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, VOL. 1, NO. 10 ***
This file should be named 8p11010h.htm or 8p11010h.zip
Corrected EDITIONS of our eBooks get a new NUMBER, 8p11011h.htm
VERSIONS based on separate sources get new LETTER, 8p11010ah.htm
Produced by Joshua Hutchinson, Sandra Brown, and Project Gutenberg
Distributed Proofreaders from material generously made available
by Cornell University
Project Gutenberg eBooks are often created from several printed
editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the US
unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we usually do not
keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.
We are now trying to release all our eBooks one year in advance
of the official release dates, leaving time for better editing.
Please be encouraged to tell us about any error or corrections,
even years after the official publication date.
Please note neither this listing nor its contents are final til
midnight of the last day of the month of any such announcement.
The official release date of all Project Gutenberg eBooks is at
Midnight, Central Time, of the last day of the stated month. A
preliminary version may often be posted for suggestion, comment
and editing by those who wish to do so.
Most people start at our Web sites at:
http://gutenberg.net or
http://promo.net/pg
These Web sites include award-winning information about Project
Gutenberg, including how to donate, how to help produce our new
eBooks, and how to subscribe to our email newsletter (free!).
Those of you who want to download any eBook before announcement
can get to them as follows, and just download by date. This is
also a good way to get them instantly upon announcement, as the
indexes our cataloguers produce obviously take a while after an
announcement goes out in the Project Gutenberg Newsletter.
http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/etext03 or
ftp://ftp.ibiblio.org/pub/docs/books/gutenberg/etext03
Or /etext02, 01, 00, 99, 98, 97, 96, 95, 94, 93, 92, 92, 91 or 90
Just search by the first five letters of the filename you want,
as it appears in our Newsletters.
Information about Project Gutenberg (one page)
We produce about two million dollars for each hour we work. The
time it takes us, a rather conservative estimate, is fifty hours
to get any eBook selected, entered, proofread, edited, copyright
searched and analyzed, the copyright letters written, etc. Our
projected audience is one hundred million readers. If the value
per text is nominally estimated at one dollar then we produce $2
million dollars per hour in 2002 as we release over 100 new text
files per month: 1240 more eBooks in 2001 for a total of 4000+
We are already on our way to trying for 2000 more eBooks in 2002
If they reach just 1-2% of the world's population then the total
will reach over half a trillion eBooks given away by year's end.
The Goal of Project Gutenberg is to Give Away 1 Trillion eBooks!
This is ten thousand titles each to one hundred million readers,
which is only about 4% of the present number of computer users.
Here is the briefest record of our progress (* means estimated):
eBooks Year Month
1 1971 July
10 1991 January
100 1994 January
1000 1997 August
1500 1998 October
2000 1999 December
2500 2000 December
3000 2001 November
4000 2001 October/November
6000 2002 December*
9000 2003 November*
10000 2004 January*
The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation has been created
to secure a future for Project Gutenberg into the next millennium.
We need your donations more than ever!
As of February, 2002, contributions are being solicited from people
and organizations in: Alabama, Alaska, Arkansas, Connecticut,
Delaware, District of Columbia, Florida, Georgia, Hawaii, Illinois,
Indiana, Iowa, Kansas, Kentucky, Louisiana, Maine, Massachusetts,
Michigan, Mississippi, Missouri, Montana, Nebraska, Nevada, New
Hampshire, New Jersey, New Mexico, New York, North Carolina, Ohio,
Oklahoma, Oregon, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Carolina, South
Dakota, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, Vermont, Virginia, Washington, West
Virginia, Wisconsin, and Wyoming.
We have filed in all 50 states now, but these are the only ones
that have responded.
As the requirements for other states are met, additions to this list
will be made and fund raising will begin in the additional states.
Please feel free to ask to check the status of your state.
In answer to various questions we have received on this:
We are constantly working on finishing the paperwork to legally
request donations in all 50 states. If your state is not listed and
you would like to know if we have added it since the list you have,
just ask.
While we cannot solicit donations from people in states where we are
not yet registered, we know of no prohibition against accepting
donations from donors in these states who approach us with an offer to
donate.
International donations are accepted, but we don't know ANYTHING about
how to make them tax-deductible, or even if they CAN be made
deductible, and don't have the staff to handle it even if there are
ways.
Donations by check or money order may be sent to:
Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation
PMB 113
1739 University Ave.
Oxford, MS 38655-4109
Contact us if you want to arrange for a wire transfer or payment
method other than by check or money order.
The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation has been approved by
the US Internal Revenue Service as a 501(c)(3) organization with EIN
[Employee Identification Number] 64-622154. Donations are
tax-deductible to the maximum extent permitted by law. As fund-raising
requirements for other states are met, additions to this list will be
made and fund-raising will begin in the additional states.
We need your donations more than ever!
You can get up to date donation information online at:
http://www.gutenberg.net/donation.html
***
If you can't reach Project Gutenberg,
you can always email directly to:
Michael S. Hart [email protected]
Prof. Hart will answer or forward your message.
We would prefer to send you information by email.
**The Legal Small Print**
(Three Pages)
***START**THE SMALL PRINT!**FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN EBOOKS**START***
Why is this "Small Print!" statement here? You know: lawyers.
They tell us you might sue us if there is something wrong with
your copy of this eBook, even if you got it for free from
someone other than us, and even if what's wrong is not our
fault. So, among other things, this "Small Print!" statement
disclaims most of our liability to you. It also tells you how
you may distribute copies of this eBook if you want to.
*BEFORE!* YOU USE OR READ THIS EBOOK
By using or reading any part of this PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm
eBook, you indicate that you understand, agree to and accept
this "Small Print!" statement. If you do not, you can receive
a refund of the money (if any) you paid for this eBook by
sending a request within 30 days of receiving it to the person
you got it from. If you received this eBook on a physical
medium (such as a disk), you must return it with your request.
ABOUT PROJECT GUTENBERG-TM EBOOKS
This PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm eBook, like most PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm eBooks,
is a "public domain" work distributed by Professor Michael S. Hart
through the Project Gutenberg Association (the "Project").
Among other things, this means that no one owns a United States copyright
on or for this work, so the Project (and you!) can copy and
distribute it in the United States without permission and
without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, set forth
below, apply if you wish to copy and distribute this eBook
under the "PROJECT GUTENBERG" trademark.
Please do not use the "PROJECT GUTENBERG" trademark to market
any commercial products without permission.
To create these eBooks, the Project expends considerable
efforts to identify, transcribe and proofread public domain
works. Despite these efforts, the Project's eBooks and any
medium they may be on may contain "Defects". Among other
things, Defects may take the form of incomplete, inaccurate or
corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other
intellectual property infringement, a defective or damaged
disk or other eBook medium, a computer virus, or computer
codes that damage or cannot be read by your equipment.
LIMITED WARRANTY; DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES
But for the "Right of Replacement or Refund" described below,
[1] Michael Hart and the Foundation (and any other party you may
receive this eBook from as a PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm eBook) disclaims
all liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including
legal fees, and [2] YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE OR
UNDER STRICT LIABILITY, OR FOR BREACH OF WARRANTY OR CONTRACT,
INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE
OR INCIDENTAL DAMAGES, EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE
POSSIBILITY OF SUCH DAMAGES.
If you discover a Defect in this eBook within 90 days of
receiving it, you can receive a refund of the money (if any)
you paid for it by sending an explanatory note within that
time to the person you received it from. If you received it
on a physical medium, you must return it with your note, and
such person may choose to alternatively give you a replacement
copy. If you received it electronically, such person may
choose to alternatively give you a second opportunity to
receive it electronically.
THIS EBOOK IS OTHERWISE PROVIDED TO YOU "AS-IS". NO OTHER
WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, ARE MADE TO YOU AS
TO THE EBOOK OR ANY MEDIUM IT MAY BE ON, INCLUDING BUT NOT
LIMITED TO WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR A
PARTICULAR PURPOSE.
Some states do not allow disclaimers of implied warranties or
the exclusion or limitation of consequential damages, so the
above disclaimers and exclusions may not apply to you, and you
may have other legal rights.
INDEMNITY
You will indemnify and hold Michael Hart, the Foundation,
and its trustees and agents, and any volunteers associated
with the production and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm
texts harmless, from all liability, cost and expense, including
legal fees, that arise directly or indirectly from any of the
following that you do or cause: [1] distribution of this eBook,
[2] alteration, modification, or addition to the eBook,
or [3] any Defect.
DISTRIBUTION UNDER "PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm"
You may distribute copies of this eBook electronically, or by
disk, book or any other medium if you either delete this
"Small Print!" and all other references to Project Gutenberg,
or:
[1] Only give exact copies of it. Among other things, this
requires that you do not remove, alter or modify the
eBook or this "small print!" statement. You may however,
if you wish, distribute this eBook in machine readable
binary, compressed, mark-up, or proprietary form,
including any form resulting from conversion by word
processing or hypertext software, but only so long as
*EITHER*:
[*] The eBook, when displayed, is clearly readable, and
does *not* contain characters other than those
intended by the author of the work, although tilde
(~), asterisk (*) and underline (_) characters may
be used to convey punctuation intended by the
author, and additional characters may be used to
indicate hypertext links; OR
[*] The eBook may be readily converted by the reader at
no expense into plain ASCII, EBCDIC or equivalent
form by the program that displays the eBook (as is
the case, for instance, with most word processors);
OR
[*] You provide, or agree to also provide on request at
no additional cost, fee or expense, a copy of the
eBook in its original plain ASCII form (or in EBCDIC
or other equivalent proprietary form).
[2] Honor the eBook refund and replacement provisions of this
"Small Print!" statement.
[3] Pay a trademark license fee to the Foundation of 20% of the
gross profits you derive calculated using the method you
already use to calculate your applicable taxes. If you
don't derive profits, no royalty is due. Royalties are
payable to "Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation"
the 60 days following each date you prepare (or were
legally required to prepare) your annual (or equivalent
periodic) tax return. Please contact us beforehand to
let us know your plans and to work out the details.
WHAT IF YOU *WANT* TO SEND MONEY EVEN IF YOU DON'T HAVE TO?
Project Gutenberg is dedicated to increasing the number of
public domain and licensed works that can be freely distributed
in machine readable form.
The Project gratefully accepts contributions of money, time,
public domain materials, or royalty free copyright licenses.
Money should be paid to the:
"Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation."
If you are interested in contributing scanning equipment or
software or other items, please contact Michael Hart at:
[email protected]
[Portions of this eBook's header and trailer may be reprinted only
when distributed free of all fees. Copyright (C) 2001, 2002 by
Michael S. Hart. Project Gutenberg is a TradeMark and may not be
used in any sales of Project Gutenberg eBooks or other materials be
they hardware or software or any other related product without
express permission.]
*END THE SMALL PRINT! FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN EBOOKS*Ver.02/11/02*END*