Project Gutenberg's Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 2, April 9, 1870, by Various Copyright laws are changing all over the world. Be sure to check the copyright laws for your country before downloading or redistributing this or any other Project Gutenberg eBook. This header should be the first thing seen when viewing this Project Gutenberg file. Please do not remove it. Do not change or edit the header without written permission. Please read the "legal small print," and other information about the eBook and Project Gutenberg at the bottom of this file. Included is important information about your specific rights and restrictions in how the file may be used. You can also find out about how to make a donation to Project Gutenberg, and how to get involved. **Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts** **eBooks Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971** *****These eBooks Were Prepared By Thousands of Volunteers!***** Title: Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 2, April 9, 1870 Author: Various Release Date: December, 2005 [EBook #9481] [Yes, we are more than one year ahead of schedule] [This file was first posted on October 4, 2003] Edition: 10 Language: English Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 *** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, V1, N2 *** Produced by Cornell University, Joshua Hutchinson, David Widger, Marvin A. Hodges and the Online Distributed Proofreaders
It is as difficult to say when the umbrella came, or where it came from, as These theories seem to us to be entitled to serious consideration; and The umbrella appears again in ancient time in connection with DANIEL, who, For what purpose this umbrella may have been carried we can only surmise. The most probable theory is, that it was to be used there to intimidate the We have now taken hold pretty firmly of what may be called the handle of We have learned further that the umbrella carried by DANIEL was a blue It is one of this class that your country friend brings down with him, that We have heard it said that it was the impossibility of two umbrellas of There is nothing lovely about a blue cotton umbrella, though there may have The present style of the umbrella is varied, and sometimes elegant. The This established the fact that the umbrella was not property that could be (TO BE CONTINUED.) |
The Chicago press has given up all hopes of the PRINCE OF WALES since he Latest from the Isthmus of Suez.
Of all men, the followers of MOHAMMED are the most candid; since no matter Right and Left. Because the P.& O. Directors have suspended their EYRE, we are not called |
Mr. BOUCICAULT might properly be called the author of the elementary Drama. Not because his plays, like elementary lessons in French, are peculiarly aggravating to the well-regulated mind, but because of his fondness for employing one of the elements of nature—fire, water, or golden hair—in the production of the sensation which invariably takes place in the fourth or fifth act of each of his popular dramas. In the Streets of New-York, he made a hit by firing a building at the spectacularly disposed audience. In Formosa, he gave us a boat-race; and in Lost at Sea, now running at WALLACK'S, he has renewed his former fondness for playing with fire. The following condensed version of this play is offered to the readers of PUNCHINELLO, with the assurance that, though it may be a little more coherent than the unabridged edition, it is a faithful picture of the sort of thing that Mr. BOUCICAULT, aided and abetted by Mr. WALLACK, thinks proper to offer to the public. |
ACT I. Scene 1. Enter Virtuous Banker. "I have embezzled Enter Unprincipled Clerk. "Not so. WALTER CORAM is lost at sea, and Virtuous Banker. "Thank heaven! I am not found out, and can remain Scene 2. Enter Comic Villain. "I am just released from prison Enter Unprincipled Clerk. "Not so. WALTER, CORAM is lost at sea. Comic Villain. "I will." (Swears and smashes in his hat.) Scene 3. Enter Miss Effie Germon. (Aside.) "I am supposed to Enter Daughter of Comic Villain. "I love the unprincipled clerk; but Enter Unprincipled Clerk. "Not so. WALTER CORAM is lost at sea, and Enter Sick Stranger. "I am WALTER CORAM. Those are my boxes. Young Lady in the Audience. "Isn't EFFIE GERMON perfectly lovely?" Accompanying Bostonian Youth. "Yes; but you should see RISTORI in Heavy old Party, to contiguous Young Man. "Don't think much of this; ACT II. Scene 1. Virtuous Banker's Villa, Comic Villain, Enter Original Coram. "I am WALTER CORAM; but I can't prove it, the Enter Comic Villain, who smashes in his hat, and swears. Original Coram. (Approaching him.) "This is WALTER CORAM, I believe? Comic Villain, in great mental torture. "Certainly; of course: I Scene 2. Enter Miss Effie Germon, by climbing over the wall. Enter Daughter of Comic Villain. "Great Heavings! What do I see? My Enter aristocratic lover of wealthy heroine, and catches the faintress Young Lady before-named. "Isn't EFFIE GERMON perfectly sweet?" Bostonian Youth. "Yes; but RISTORI——" Mighty Young Men. "Let's go out for drinks."
ACT III. Scene 1. Enter Daughter of Comic Villain. "My clerk Enter Original Coram. "I am WALTER CORAM; but I can't prove it, the Young Lady before-named. "Isn't EFFIE GERMON perfectly beautiful?" Bostonian Youth. "Yes. But at her age RISTORI——" Heavy old Party murmurs in his sleep of ELLEN TREE. More young men go
ACT IV. Scene 1. Enter Virtuous Banker. "All is lost. There Enter Unprincipled Clerk. "WALTER CORAM presents check for £7 4 S. Enter Original Coram. (Aside.) "I am WALTER CORAM; but I Scene 2. Enter Unprincipled Clerk and Comic Villain. Unprincipled Clerk. "The original CORAM has turned up. We must turn Comic Villain. "Burn him; but don't attempt any violence." (Swears Scene 4. Enter Original Coram. "I am WALTER COHAM; but I Enter Miss Effie German. (Aside.) "I must get on the roof and Young Lady before-named. "Isn't EFFIE GERMON too lovely?" Bostonian Youth. "Yes. RISTORI is, however ——-" Heavy old Party. "This fire business is dangerous, sir. Never saw it ACT V. Enter Original Coram. "I am WALTER CORAM. I can now prove it Unprincipled Clerk. "All is lost except WALTER CORAM, who ought to Comic Villain, (smashes his hat over his eyes and swears). Virtuous Banker. "Bless you, my children. I forgive you all the Every body in the audience. "How do you like—Real fire; STODDAHT'S Misanthropic Critic, to gentlemanly Treasurer. "Can I have two seats Treasurer. "All sold, sir. Play draws better than Ours!" Misanthropic Critic. Well! no matter. I only wanted to send my Suggestion kindly made to Manager Moss.—Have the fire scene take MATADOR. |
MR. PUNCHINELLO: I take it you are willing to receive useful information. First. Always take a lady with you to the play. It will please her, Second. If you have any loud conversation to indulge in, do it while the Third. If you have an overcoat or any other garment, throw it across the Fourth. Try and drop your opera-glass half a dozen times of an evening. If Fifth. Of course you carry a cane—a very ponderous cane. What for? To use Sixth. Never go in till after a play begins, and invariably leave in the These are but a few hints. However, I trust they are good as far as they Yours, truly, O. FOGY. |
V. H. to Punchinello. The following letter, received by the French cable, explains itself. After HAUTEVILLE PARK, March 25,1870. To THE EDITOR OF THE PUNCHINELLO: MONSIEUR: The advance copy of your journal has stormed my heart. I owe it Europe trembles. They light their torches sinister, those trans-alpine To your journal there is a future, and there will be a past. The age has its pulsations, and it never forgets. I, too, remember. There is also blood. Upon it already glitters the dust of glory. Monsieur! I salute you and your confreres! Accept my homage and my emotion. VICTOR HUGO. |
"Lives of great men all remind us |
Almost since the world began, people have been interested in and For instance, mankind is generally ignorant of the fact that Mr. SUMNER |
Taking the Cue.
There is a strong disposition among those of our diplomats who may be able Questions for H.G.
Is not the Tribune influenced by its negrophilism in denouncing APROPOS OF THE "ONEIDA."—The windiest excuses of the day are those of |
Scene. The White House.
ULYSSES ASLEEP. CUBA, ROONEY, AND FISH OUTSIDE ON THE LOBBY.
ROONEY Loquitur. ULYSSES asthore! Good lord, don't he snore! Now, ULICK S. GRANT, it's your own self I want, Och, wirrasthrue vo! it's bitther to know Och, wake up, ochone! Your innimies groan Musha, what's that you say? "Sind the ould fool away." Ah! then, by my sowl, this thratemint is foul— 'Tis late in the day to talk in that way; No, ULICK, my boy, rise up to our joy, Lave Britain alone; if she won't pay, mavrone, But Spain, the ould wulf, for her tricks in the Gulf, Och! ULICK, awake, for Liberty's sake! She sez, an' wid grief, her love for the chief, Ah! that stirs your blood; I thought that it wud. |
No one now believes that DR. LIVINGSTONE was burnt for sorcery. The City Hamlets vs. Rural Ditto.
The leading cities of late have grown almost wild with excitement over |
PUNCHINELLO, ever ready to hail with acclamation all that is for the |
The Great FECHTER as HAMLET has given us another proof of the brilliant An economical mother in high society permits baked meats left from a Mr. FECHTER presents HAMLET as a perfect "flaxy;" partly in deference to Mr. FECHTER is polished. He does not hesitate to correct the sometimes rude Minor actors must, of course, be precluded from liberties with the text; Mr. FECHTER is a great genius. Distinguished talent is occasionally needed |
Epitaph on a Defunct Boarding-House. Peace to its Hashes! Apropos of Small-salaried Husbands, who have Extravagant Wives. "A little earning is a dangerous thing." The Mormon's Motto Bring 'em Young. |
Truth to tell, I don't like neighbors. I do like civilization. The trouble is, neighbors are not always civilized. PUNCHINELLO will be impressed with the fact before becoming a single weekling. The first floor may be ever so nice, quiet, well-dressed, proper folks—but those dreadful musical people in the attic! I hate musical people; that is, when in the chrysalis state of learning. Practice makes perfect, indeed; but practice also makes a great deal of noise. Noise is another of my constitutional dislikes. If these matters must be divided, give me the melody, and whoever else will, may take the noise. The truth is, my dear PUNCHINELLO—and I may as well begin calling you what the public will do one of these early days—there is nothing like notes. But bank-notes are my weakness. My weakness in that direction is, I may confidently state, very strong. The ladies are not the only greenbacks that are accepted at sight; and acceptable to it. The bank on which I should like to dwell—do you not guess it?—is the auriferous National. Those musical neighbors-how they do play, though! But, to borrow from Mr. SLANG, my queer neighbor opposite, they have about played out. Our gentlemanly landlord—all landlords are so very gentlemanly, kind, good, and considerate—Mr. GRABB, says it don't pay to keep such tenants. |
"Mr. GRABB, pay—pray, why don't it pay?" "Why, Mr. TODD, why, sir—because they don't pay. D'ye see it, Mr. Mr. TODD did see it. "Music hath charms," and all that fine thing; but it can't evidently charm Going from bars to banks is a distance. But when I go anywhere, I like to Some people think California greater. I don't. The greatness of a country Need I hint just now that it is Lent? Lent is suggestive. It suggests some I am something of a politician. My friends do not think I am. But they are As a politician I believe in myself first, my pocket second, my country TIMOTHY TODD. |
Who killed the Charter? Who killed the Charter? Who killed the Charter? Who killed the Charter? |
A pathetic recital for the benefit of you, or me, or any other snail who In what year, or under what king Bezoman, lived he, no matter. Suffice it Once he was happy! Once, whene'er the eventide flooded the earth with effulgent glory, and |
"Oh! Life is joy—is peace to me!" would he cry, ever and anon. And ever an anonymous owl would scream, "To whoo? To whoo?" Upon one eventful eve he sat upon his turret. Gazing around, he sprang upon his feet. "What, ho!" he cried, as a glimmer of light shot across the surface of the lake, "What, ho! A light in the ship-house! Tis the red light of danger! I forbode." Glancing around and beneath him, he perceived that the stucco was peeling from his favorite turret. "Here is danger, indeed!" he said; and loudly shouted for his ah! too dilatory servant to bring the ladder by which he ascended and descended his lofty pinnacle. At last the servant came, and he was a new and somewhat weighty waiter youth. "Ah! big lad—!" then said the dwarf. "I am glad, good sir," replied the boy. "I would have the big ladder!" cried his master. "I can't be gladder," said the boy. The dwarf looked pityingly down upon the youth for several moments. "Are you a natural-born fool?" said he. |
The boy advanced to the edge of the roof, made a bow, placed one arm at |
"I've never been to public school, I would not win in learning's race, |
"Stop!" cried the now enraged dwarf. "Begone! ere I, base boy! shall heave "Certainly," replied the youth. "Big, ornary, base boy shall leave thee to The Court fool came at last and let his master down. "Oh! ho!" said he of the motley, as the dwarf came slowly down the ladder. The dwarf laughed, and fell the rest of the way. "No matter!" he cried, "Bravo!" said the clown. "I thought you were too happy." On the next day the door-bell of the castle rang, and soon a varlet came to "Hail to thee! good Sir Dwarf," spake the mammoth, and rising and folding |
"I hear that thou, O neighbor brave! "Proceed," said the dwarf, seating himself upon a piano-stool, and screwing himself up until he was near the ceiling and on a level with the singer's head. The giant proceeded: "If thou shouldst build thy house thyself, "I like that," said the dwarf. "Pray sing some more." "I'll tell you just what it will cost; "That's capital!" cried the delighted dwarf. "It would suit me exactly. Warble me yet other wood notes wild." The giant sang on: "A castle such as you will want |
The dwarf revolved himself rapidly, and quickly reached the floor. "The concert's over!" he cried, "and here's a check for eighty pounds. The interview terminated. The clown, who had overheard this fair discourse, now left the castle; and The dwarf to foreign parts now hied, and when twelve months had passed, and He found the castle finished—all but the roof and walls. The deep cellars, The dwarf, he gazed in silence! By heavy sighs his breast was heaven, and black thoughts made his soul like Anon he mounted in hot haste, and rode unto the giant's castle on the "It is his castle!" quoth he, and he gave his steed free rein. The interview was terrible! All the domestics fled and hid themselves in distant dells. At last the dwarf, exhausted by vituperation, sank upon the flagstones of |
"Oh! hear me now, misguided dwarf, Among the things we can't divine. |
The dwarf gave one quick savage glance at the pocket of the giant, S.T. But he had not long left the castle at his back ere dejection crept upon The dwarf he did his cellar reach, fainting, almost bereft of speech; and "Minstrel!" he cried, "O laggard! I for deepest depths of Lethe long. Get |
The minstrel sang: "O Estimate! |
The dwarf, now sunk in Lethe's mud, did snore; knowing the sign, the |
Where are you now, MR. BAILEY? |
"Fox"-y. FECHTER'S wig in HAMLET. "Echoes of the Clubs." SOUND of the policemen's batons on the sidewalk. Over and Under. INDIANA is said to be "going over" her divorce laws. She has certainly gone Our Bullet-in. THE government has so many bad guns on hand that it deserves to be called, Every Little Helps. THE British newspapers say that ARTHUR HELPS writes the PRINCE OF WALES'S |
Mr. DRAKE, who has been studying elocution under a graduate of the Old The case of the admission of General AMES as a senator from Mississippi Mr. HOWARD was in favor of the admission of AMES. He considered the All this time, singular to say, Senator SUMNER remained silent. HOUSE.
The House had a little amusement over polygamy in Utah. That institution Mr. Cox did not see why we should interfere by force to prevent a man's Mr. HOOPER, of Utah, said the bill was an outrage. By all the wives that he |
The business of catching impecunious counts, of magnetizing bankrupt "When I can read my title clear." We should not be surprised any day to hear that a marriage market had been |
"Maidens, like moths, are ever caught by glare; |
"The Lay of the Last Minstrel." "SHOO FLY, don't bodder me." "Benedict's Time." THE honeymoon. Homoeopathic Cure for Hydrophobia. BARK. Ode to my Washerwoman. $2 50. |
Harper's Periodicals. Magazine. Weekly. Bazar. Subscription Price, $4 per year each. $10 for the three. An Extra Copy of either the MAGAZINE, WEEKLY, or BAZAR will be supplied HARPER'S CATALOGUE May be obtained gratuitously on application to Harper & Brothers HARPER & BROTHERS, New-York. HENRY L. STEPHENS, ARTIST, No. 160 Fulton Street, NEW-YORK. Important to Newsdealers! ALL ORDERS FOR PUNCHINELLO Will be supplied by OUR SOLE ANB EXCLUSIVE AGENTS, American News Co. NEW-YORK. PUNCHINELLO: TERMS TO CLUBS. WE OFFER AS PREMIUMS FOR CLUBS FIRST: DANA BICKFORD'S PATENT FAMILY SPINNER, The most complete and desirable machine ever yet introduced for spinning SECOND: BICKFORD'S CROCHET AND FANCY WORK MACHINES.
These beautiful little machines are very fascinating, as well as useful; THIRD: BICKFORD'S AUTOMATIC FAMILY KNITTER. This is the most perfect and complete machine in the world. It knits every FOURTH: AMERICAN BUTTONHOLE, OVERSEAMING, AND SEWING-MACHINE. This great combination machine is the last and greatest improvement on all WE WILL SEND THE Family Spinner, price, $8, for 4 subscribers and $16. No. 1 American Buttonhole and Overseaming Machine, price, $75, for 30 Descriptive Circulars
Of all these machines will be sent upon application to this office, and Parties getting up Clubs preferring cash to premiums, may deduct Remittances should be made in Post-Office Orders, Bank Checks, or Drafts on Directions for shipping machines must be full and explicit to prevent The postage on this paper will be twenty cents per year, payable quarterly All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY P. O. Box 2783. No. 83 Nassau Street, |
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