"Swat the Fly!", by Eleanor Gates—A Project Gutenberg eBook

A garden in the rear of a laboratory for animal experimentation. A high red-brick wall encloses the garden, into which, at the upper right-hand corner, juts the granite laboratory building. The interior of the laboratory is brilliantly white. From it a door opens upon the garden. Beside the door, hanging from a wrought-iron bracket, is a globe in which are electric bulbs. The lights are turned on by pressing a button in the framework of the door.

In the garden wall, at left, is a wide door leading to a city street. In the rear wall is a square, window-like opening through which can be seen the Horse’s standing-stall. The Monkey’s house is in the lower right-hand corner of the garden. Directly across from it is the kennel of the Dog. The Rabbit’s hutch is placed against the rear wall, close to the square opening. The front of the hutch is screened with wire netting.

The garden is covered by a lawn. Flowers grow against its walls, as well as in the corners made by the meeting of wall and building. Vines climb the bricks on either side of the street door. Above the walls, on every side, bend the branches of trees. At the center of the garden is a low stone bench.

It is late evening. The garden is only star-lit. Out of the gloom come the sleepy bark of the Dog, the crunching and stamping of the Horse, as he feeds, and the cross chatter of the Monkey. The tiny bell, which the Cat wears on her collar, tinkles faintly.

Suddenly the street door opens, and the flash of a pocket search-light is turned upon the garden. The Woman Inspector appears[Pg 6] in the doorway. She wears a coat-suit, a neckpiece formed of the skin of a fox, and a hat trimmed with pheasant feathers. She throws her light upon the Monkey’s house: upon the door of the laboratory: upon the opening in the rear wall. The back of the Horse appears above the sill of the opening. The light travels to the Rabbit’s hutch, disclosing a mound of snow-white fur.

The Inspector enters quickly and goes to the Dog, who is lying down, his back curved against the entrance to the kennel. The Inspector turns her light upon him. He moves.

Here! Let me look at you. A bandage! Oh, poor fellow! That Doctor’s been torturing you! (The Dog growls.) There! There! (Pats the Dog, and goes to the hutch.) A rabbit! (Makes a brief examination; goes to the opening in the wall and looks through at the Horse, flashing her light over him. Comes down quickly to the Monkey. He is lying just within the door of his house. She drops on one knee.) Well, monkey! What’s that Doctor been doing to YOU? (Reaches in.) Been putting a steel gag on you? Oh, the poor foot! (Soothingly, as the Monkey moves and chatters.) There, now! Lie still!

Here, Kitty! Kitty! Kitty! (Looks about the garden.) Well, how’s everybody? (Goes to the opening in the wall, and reaches to pat the Horse.) Hello! How’s the nice old boy? (Turns toward the hutch.) And how’s little Bunny! Eh?

My mother says you starve ’em. So,—here’s a bone for the dog, an’ a carrot for the rabbit, an’ a’ apple for the horse, an’ a banana for the monkey.

All right. (Goes to the kennel, the Boy following, and looks in.) Hey, dog! Just gnaw on this fine big bone. (To the boy.) And how did you find your way here, at this time of night?

Oh, yes, she is. Somewhere. (Looks behind the kennel.) I saw her come in. Oh, Mother! (Looks behind the Monkey’s house.) Hello, mother! (To the Doctor.) Here she is!

Let me introduce myself. (Opens her coat, displaying a metal badge pinned on her breast.)

Yes, flies! When all the flies are dead, we doctors will be out of a job. For now we know that—

Well, this monkey here is—(The Monkey chatters angrily. The Doctor falls back, motioning the Inspector and the Boy to retreat.) Look out! He’s bad-tempered!

Ah! You needn’t tell me how you treat HIM! (The Doctor turns away.) And what about that helpless rabbit?

The rabbit furnishes me with typhoid serum. And the neck of my horse is full of the serum that cures diphtheria. See! (Takes a small case from a pocket.) I’ll take some serum—just to show you. (Leans through the opening.) Here, back! Back up! Whoa, now!

Oh, don’t! I can’t bear it! Don’t! (The Horse stamps. She covers her eyes.) Don’t, I say! Oh, I’ll have you arrested for this!

There you are! The flick of a whip! What do you doctors care about the agony of your poor victims!

Well, I AM! You talk about pain! Do you know how lambs are killed? And cattle? Do you know anything about slaughtering hogs? THERE’S pain for you!

Oh, I know what you mean! But let me tell you something: When my husband hunts, he gives an animal a chance for its life. And if he kills, he kills quick. But you—you mutilate in the name of science. You tie down your victims—and torture!

I use ether and chloroform. But your husband—when he pulls a trout from the stream, it dies of suffocation.

And when your husband goes shooting, he doesn’t find every bird that he wounds.

Ha! As many as he can! But the ones he DOESN’T find! Are they chloroformed? And what about the animals that die in traps? And the birds that are snared? (He points at the Inspector.) How about that fox? That pheasant?

Madam, you’re a fine Inspector! Here you stand, admitting that your husband kills for pleasure! And you’re tricked out in the skin and the feathers of dumb creatures. Look at that poor head! Those little paws! And yet you spy on a man who causes suffering only to save human life!

No! Your hands are stained with the blood of the innocent! Don’t you dare to touch him! (She takes the Boy up in her arms.) I wouldn’t let you treat a dog of mine! (Crosses to the street door and halts to look back.) You fiend! (Goes out.)

Oh, all right! (Follows the Inspector to the door, slams it, turns toward the laboratory.) But the poor little chap ought to be home in bed. (Strikes at the Fly.) Oh, you pest! (Looks up at the top of the wall, to where the Fly has gone, turns, touches the electric button, putting the garden again in darkness, and closes the laboratory door after him.)

Oh, shut up! Here I am, that Boy’s own cousin, as you might say, and I’M not crying!

Ah-ha! (To the Horse.) Didn’t that Doctor give YOU something, in YOUR throat?

Indeed, I am! I even THINK like a man. (The animals agree by nods.) And I ought to live in the house with the family. But does that Doctor want me? Oh, I hate him! (Chatters angrily.)

My friends, this Doctor is the cause of ALL our troubles. I wish HE were going to die. (Animals are shocked.) Yes! And for half a banana I’d kill him!

Free? Free? Could you? (The Horse whinnies, the Cat plays, the Dog barks, the Rabbit moves her ears.)

I could fight him man to man! Come, friends! (He motions the Rabbit, the Cat and the Dog to him.) We’ll bite him, we’ll kick him, we’ll scratch him, we’ll kill him together.

Hey, all of you! Wait a minute! If you’re going to kill that Doctor, I want to help!

Ladies and gentlemen, I was fast asleep up there, out of the way of the spiders, when all of a sudden I was awakened by the music of your voices. And I heard your delicious scheme. Oh, I yearn to be a part of it! For I hate that Doctor, too!

Why? Saucers of poisoned sugar-water, THAT’S why! Reams of sticky tangle-foot, that’s why! And did you hear what he said to your friend, the Inspector? And did you see him SWAT at me as he went out?

Yes! This same Doctor who tortures you! Look at poor Horse—full of diphtheria!

If it hurt, he’d do it just the same. (To the Monkey.) And think how he treats you—you ought to be a member of his household.

And, oh, what he hasn’t done to YOU! (The Dog growls. To the Rabbit.) And you’re full of typhoid. (The Rabbit gives a little scream. To the Cat.) And you’ll be the NEXT!

And so he must die! (To the Horse.) But if you kick him, his friends will shoot you. (To the Dog.) If you bite him, they’ll think you’re mad! (To the Cat.) If you scratch him, they’ll wring your neck. So you’d better let ME kill him!

So you doubt it, do you? (Proudly.) My friends, it is I who am killing that Boy!

The other day, when he was having his breakfast, I lit on the edge of his glass of milk. (Darkly.) And I wiped my foot! (Making a wiping motion with his right front foot.)

But what’s one boy! Huh! With the help of my thousand children, I could wipe out this whole town! (Animals turn away incredulously. The Horse brays like a donkey in derision. The Cat puts a paw over her mouth to hide a smile.) I could, I tell you. (To the Cat.) Haven’t I the entrée to the best homes?

Well, then! At this moment I have six million, six hundred thousand germs on my feet. (Raises his right front foot.) Here’s my diphtheria!

Here I keep scarlet fever. (Holds up second left foot.) And here’s small-pox! (Holds up third right foot.) And here’s the white plague.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, here I am, germed to the feet! How shall that Doctor die?

I carry them all! All! Even infantile paralysis! (Laughs.) And let me tell you a little joke! They’ll never get rid of disease as long as I’M alive. Buzz-z-z-z-z-z-z! Buzz-z-z-z-z-z! Buzz-z-z!

How can you turn on me like that? I’ve tickled your nose. I’ve kept you awake. But—

Silence! (To the others.) If this Fly didn’t carry disease, there wouldn’t be sickness. If there wasn’t sickness, the Doctor wouldn’t have to experiment on us.

You bug! You ungrateful bug! If there’s a warm corner in the house, you have it; if there’s a sweet cake in the cupboard, you eat it. And for all the hospitality that’s shown you, what do you do? You carry filth! You carry death! You even murder little babies!

And every time you give somebody diphtheria, the Doctor runs a needle into me. (Stamps his feet.)

It’s only BECAUSE you’re little that you’ve lived so long! (To the others.) We’ll swat him! We’ll swat him!

Buzz-z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z! (He moves his wings; his eyes glow red. As he attempts to back away the animals form in a half circle and block his retreat.)

Why, that Doctor brought me home when I was starving in the street! Purr-r-r! Purr-r-r!

And after all, he’s a relative of mine. And—blood is thicker than water! (He strolls toward the laboratory door.)

My friend, suppose, after this, that instead of fighting the Doctor, we fight the flies!

Doctor! Help! Oh, Doctor! (She rushes through the door.) Doctor, oh, Doctor, where are you? Oh, Doctor, help!

Here! (Takes the Boy in his arms, lays him upon the bench, and leans down to him.)

Come! Get him into his bed. (Lifts the Boy in his arms and gives him to the Inspector.)

No, you’re right. Vivisection IS cruel. But disease is cruel—and, oh, how cruel is death!

I’m willing to be watched. But if you trust us doctors with the lives of your children, can’t you trust us with the lives of cats and dogs?

Oh, yes! Yes! (Starts to go; turns.) Oh, how can I ever thank you! You’ve saved my boy!

Well, old fellow! (The Doctor pats the horse, and gives him sugar.) You saved him. And I WISH you could know it! (Stoops to stroke the cat.) Ah! Here’s a dead fly! (Picks up a fly from the floor.)

Also in preparation, a novel
WATCH-MATES
A romance of the China Sea.
By Frederick Moore
Author of “The Devil’s Admiral,” etc.

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“SWAT THE FLY!”

“SWAT THE FLY!”