THE MISTAKE OF CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS

The man who discovered that the world was flat, after all, was an Australian hermit named Herbert Fitzgrone. He was a thoughtful man with a glass eye and a metal plate in his head, both obtained during the Boer War. In the bush shanty where he had lived for forty years, he studied the riddle of the universe.

One day, shortly after he had turned sixty, he made his astonishing discovery. He went to Sydney, and found his way to the office of the editor of the Sydney Sun. He opened the door and went in. "The world, sir," he said simply, "is flat."

Those historic words were the first inkling of the scientific storm that was to burst without warning on a complacently globular world. Unfortunately, the editor was not there to hear them. It was 11:00 A.M., Pacific time, and the Sydney pubs were open. Herbert Fitzgrone, a patient man to whom years were as seconds, sat down in the empty office to wait.

When the editor showed up at 4:35 P.M., he seemed a trifle confused. He hung his hat on Fitzgrone's head, and sat down in the waste paper basket. The man of science then stood erect and said it again. "The world, sir, is flat."

"That so?" said the editor. "You know, I always had a secret hunch it was." He was an amiable man, with four children and a glass fountain pen that flashed a light in the top when he used it. At that moment he wasn't quite sure whether Herbert Fitzgrone was alone or at the head of a delegation.

"I expected you to scoff," Herbert Fitzgrone said, a shade of disappointment in his tone. "After all, when Columbus and Magellan said the world was round, everybody scoffed. I came here prepared to be scoffed at."

"I don't like to scoff at anybody," the editor said. "I once scoffed at a man in a pub, and he hit me in the eye."

"Well, if you won't," the scientist said, vexed, "you won't. Anyhow, I want to show you my proof that the earth as a globe is a monstrous impossibility. Look here." He spread out some sheets of paper on the editor's desk.

"My," said the editor. "Impressive, all right. What is it?"

"Trigonometry. Do you understand it?"

"No, but I'm very fond of it. All those big numbers and everything. Very impressive."

"Well, my calculations prove that the earth couldn't be a globe, because two lines of latitude can't possibly be at the same level. Do you realize what that means?"

"My God," said the editor in awe.

"Exactly! Suppose you had two ships in Sydney Harbor, one seven miles north of the other. According to the globular theory, the northern ship would also be four miles higher!"

The editor lurched in his swivel chair. "Stop the presses!" he yelled into the phone, as he had seen editors do in American films. "And get me the Hatson Line quickly!"

He waited for his connection. Then he said, "This is the editor of the Sun. Listen and listen carefully. Hold all sailings until further notice! I've just learned that the earth is flat! Flat, do you understand? God help the ships at sea!"

He hung up, wan and shaken. Then he rushed for the door to get the story on the presses. He was already through the door when he made the odd discovery that it wasn't the door. It was the window, it was open, and his office was on the ninth floor.

Nothing more was heard of Herbert Fitzgrone after this tragedy. Presumably frightened that he might be held responsible for the editor's death, the scientist disappeared. Fortunately for posterity, however, he neglected to pick up the calculations he had spread out on the editor's desk.

They were discovered by a vice-president of the Hatson Line, who came to the editor's office for further enlightenment. This gentleman made a prolonged study of the papers—he was quick on the trig and a fast man with a digit. He came to the terrifying conclusion that Christopher Columbus had made a terrible mistake.

He immediately cabled the New York office, forwarding all figures down to the last spherical triangle. The head of the New York office, a patriotic man, promptly dispatched the whole thing to the State Department in Washington, marked "Top Secret." Five minutes later Drew Pearson predicted darkly that the whole world would shortly find itself flat on its back.

The nation's top scientists were summoned to a secret and speedy conclave at the White House. The President put it squarely up to the scientists—was the world round, or wasn't it? And if it wasn't, what effect would a flat world have on the nation's defenses? Was this a boost for communism or democracy?

"Speak up, boys," he said. "I haven't got all day."

"Ridiculous, Mr. President," one scientist sneered. "If the world is flat, how do you explain that when you approach a mountain or ship at sea, you see first the summit or funnels?"

"What you see depends upon the weather," a young scientist insisted. "If there are low clouds, you don't see the top first. Then again, what you see first often depends on what you want to see first! It's conditioning. Have you ever made a conscious effort to see the bottoms first?"

A little scientist with a high neck and a squint jumped up. "When a partial eclipse of the moon takes place, the shadow of the earth on the moon is a circle. Only a ball-shaped object can throw a circular shadow, gentlemen!"

"Poppycock!" scoffed a scientist next to him. "So can a flat disk. Furthermore, who is an authority here on what happens on the moon? Moon-gazing is guesswork, gentlemen—sheer guesswork!"

A worried little bald man pleaded, "Why can't we reconcile these hostile theories of apple-shape and saucer-shape into a compromise concept which will satisfy everybody?"

"Exactly!" a ribald voice shouted. "Apple-saucer!"

"Mr. Einstein?" said the President hopefully.

The great man rose wistfully. "I am sorry, Mr. President," he said meekly. "But it is all over my head."

"Flash," said Walter Winchell on Sunday night. "Attention, Mr. and Mrs. America and all the ships at sea. I, Walter Winchell, want to tell you, whoever you are, that I, Walter Winchell, am the first as usual to break the most sensational scoop of the century! I, Walter Winchell, now tell you, whoever you are, that the world is no longer round, but flat. Flat, ladies and gentlemen ... F-L-A-T. Geography marches on! And the very first baby to be born into this new flat world...."

Hearst papers promptly informed their readers that: REDS SABOTAGE GLOBE! The New York Times, with eminent fairness, editorialized: "It would seem that there is a great deal of justification for the new theory that the world is flat, while on the other hand, it seems equally dubious that there is sufficient evidence for discarding the globular theory which has had, we cannot afford to overlook, the distinguished test of time."

Readers of the Daily Worker turned for the facts, as usual, to the Herald Tribune. The Communist Party suffered its usual crisis. One group contended that accepting the new theory would split the unity of the working class, diverting attention from the class struggle. The other group bitterly maintained that to adhere to the discredited globular theory would be a betrayal of Marx.

The latter lost. The result was a new splinter party called the True Marxists, which called a world rally to form the new popular front, the Flat World Workers Party. On the other side of the barricades, the N.A.M. and American Legion denounced flat-worldism as an attack on the very principles on which our great nation of free enterprise is founded.

Gabriel Heatter cried, "Ah, my friends, let's not be deceived! Let's not be duped by this subtle attack on all that we hold dear, all that we have learned in the little red schoolhouse, in cherished days gone by!"

"This," Henry J. Taylor declared scathingly, "is the sort of thing we might have expected in the worst days of the New Deal. What actually lies behind this subversive campaign to convince Americans that the world is actually flat? Just this. Certain interests want you to believe that Columbus was wrong, that he made a mistake, when he said the world was round. If you swallow this, then you must believe his discovery of America was also a fantastic mistake. Is any decent American willing to concede that the founding of our great nation was nothing but a blunder?"

The Un-American Activities Committee immediately held hearings in Washington. Witnesses on all sides of the question were summoned. Among those who testified were Herbert Hoover, Gabriel Heatter, Henry J. Taylor, Thomas Dewey, Robert Taft, John Foster Dulles, Henry Luce, Gerald K. Smith, Representative Rankin, Louis Budenz, Whittaker Chambers, Elizabeth Dilling and Westbrook Pegler, who revealed that the whole thing was a plot by Mrs. Roosevelt. Henry Wallace was also called, cited for contempt in the first five minutes, and thereafter the proceedings went smoothly.

The C.I.O. and the A.F. of L. held special conventions to consider what stand labor should take on the issue. Since they felt it had little bearing on wages, hours or the Taft-Hartley Act, they passed a resolution to remain neutral. Or, as one delegate put it, to live in a world without shape.

A wave of unrest swept over the country. Teachers went on record in favor of a flat world, out of sheer boredom with trying to cram the opposite concept into the thick skulls of small fry. Shipping companies and airlines spent millions in paid advertising to fight the flat world idea. They feared that business would fall off if people got scared about doing the same.

Those who accepted the theory were stigmatized as "flatheads," and were exhorted in black ad headlines: "DON'T BE A FLATHEAD!" This led to the coining of the counter-epithet, "globephobe."

M.G.M. announced it would produce "The Flat Earth," made by the same hands who turned out "The Good Earth." Warner Brothers promptly purchased a vehicle called "One Globe" to star Humphrey Bogart as Columbus, Lauren Bacall as Queen Isabella, and Paul Muni as the Santa Maria.

The controversy spilled over into the United Nations. Russia, which discovered that it looked more imposing on flat maps, demanded that all globe maps be destroyed under a death penalty for non-compliance. The United States, out of habit, opposed this idea. Despite $3,567,219,483,128.50 rushed as a loan to Albania, Iceland and 72 other nations, the U.N. vote went with the Soviet. As one Albanian grumbled, "They didn't send Chesterfields—just Wings."

Russia's victory had reverberations heard around the world ... or rather, along the sides of the world. Old geographies were burned. Globe maps were broken in half and used for ashtrays. The flat map won the international distinction of being referred to as the Moscow map. Globetrotters were laid off by the lecture bureaus in droves. Universal Pictures had the plane in its trademark sky-write the company's name around a terrestrial saucer.

The world could not exist half round, half flat, the President of the United States told Congress sadly. And since the rest of the world was flat, there was no help for it—America would have to flatten out, too. Despite globephobe cries of "Shame!" the famous 22nd Amendment was added to the Constitution:—

"The world shall, for all purposes of this Republic, be considered as flat. The Congress shall have power to enforce this article by appropriate legislation. Any article or any amendment which may contain any implication that the world is round is hereby nullified and repealed."

Now that the world is once more flat, unified and serene, I do not think that there can be any serious consequences if I reveal the sequel to this historic development. It came about when the editor of a national magazine, at his wit's end for a strong piece to follow his usual lead article of "Is Sex Here To Stay" or "How Sexy Are You Sexually?", hit upon the notion of sending me to Australia to find the man who had discovered the earth was flat.

It took me months of searching through the outback to locate Herbert Fitzgrone. He was still living in his bush shanty, and had just turned eighty when I found him. I had great difficulty in persuading him to tell me the whole story, as he was totally absorbed in a new scientific study. He was on the verge, he told me jubilantly, of proving that there is no such thing as gravity, and that Newton was an ass.

When I persisted in knowing more about his original research that had exploded the globular theory, he smiled dryly.

"Oh, that! Well, you probably know that I left all my calculations behind in that editor's office. When I came back here, I decided to work out a duplicate set. Well, sir, do you know what I discovered? That old Columbus had been right all along! I'd put the decimal point for the algebraic equation of one plane triangle in the wrong place."

"But that's impossible!" I burst out in horror. "Why, the whole world is flat now as a result of your calculations!"

"You don't say," Herbert Fitzgrone chuckled. "Well, now!"