NEW YORK
R. H. RUSSELL & SON
1896
Copyright
BY MITCHELL & MILLER
Copyright, 1894,
BY R. H. RUSSELL & SON
IS THIS A CASE FOR THE S. P. C. A.?
IT IS NOW 6:45 P.M., AND THIS DOG HAS BEEN KEPT OUT HERE SINCE TEN IN THE MORNING.
THE AMERICAN GIRL ABROAD.
HERE SHE IS, CHAPERONED BY A REAL DUCHESS, WITH TWO NOBLEMEN OF ANCIENT LINEAGE READY TO MARRY HER, AND YET HER HAPPINESS IS NOT COMPLETE.
THIS CAN HAPPEN.
THE AMERICAN FATHER MAY BE AMAZED AT FINDING HIS ENGLISH SON-IN-LAW NOT AN UNDESIRABLE ARTICLE.
THESE YOUNG GIRLS WHO MARRY OLDISH MILLIONAIRES
SHOULD NOT BE WANDERING OVER THE PLAINS WITH IMPECUNIOUS COWBOYS WHEN THEIR HUSBANDS ARE TRYING TO ENTERTAIN THEM.
A BRIGHT OUTLOOK.
The Pater: I am sorry that you have chosen to say yes to Jack Rodgers. He hasn’t a cent.
The Girl: His prospects are bright.
The Pater: How? I fail to see it.
The Girl: Why, he’s going to marry me!
She: The majority of men are heroes? I don’t believe it.
He: The statistics bear it out. Less than half are bachelors.
THAT DELICIOUS MOMENT
WHEN THE NARRATOR HAS TOLD HIS MOST SUBTLE STORY TO AS INTELLIGENT BUT UNIMAGINATIVE AUDIENCE AND THEY ARE STILL WAITING TO CATCH THE POINT—IF THERE IS ANY.
THAT DELICIOUS MOMENT
WHEN YOU FIND YOU ARE TO TAKE IN TO DINNER THE GIRL WHO YESTERDAY REFUSED YOU.
The Actor: I say, Jane, what’s the difference between a bill-board and a board-bill?
Actor’s Wife: Well, you can’t jump the bill-board.
NO FREE SCHOLARSHIPS.
The Girl: Are you a Yale or Harvard man?
The Young Man: Neither. I got my education in Wall Street. But I often think it would have been cheaper for me to have gone through college.
Old Bonder: Perhaps so, young man; but them useful educations costs something.
ALL’S WELL THAT ENDS WELL.
It’s a love song, and sung with deep feeling, as her thoughts are with Tom in a far-away land.
He: Robinson is very anxious to marry again.
She: Why, I didn’t know his wife was dead.
He: She isn’t. That’s the reason he is so anxious about it—she is with him now.
HINT FOR A HOSTESS.
FILL A CLOSE ROOM ON A HOT NIGHT WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE COME TO THE COUNTRY TO BE COOL.
“George, father has failed.”
“That’s just like him. I told you all along, darling, that he was going to do all he could to keep us from marrying.”
Elderly Suitor (sarcastically): How does your kindergarten get on, Miss Black?
Miss Black (sweetly): Well, it is better than running an old man’s home.
AT THE SUMMER HOTEL.
THE PROMINENT CITIZEN WHO WROTE A MONTH AGO ENGAGING THE BEST ROOMS IN THE HOUSE.
THE EYES OF LOVE.
“But, Ethel, how do you know that this young man loves you? Has he told you so?
“On, no, Mamma!But if you could only see the way he looks at me when I am not looking at him!”
NOT A GHOST.
IT IS ONLY POOR JIM, WHO HAPPENED TO MARRY THE WRONG GIRL; AND SOMETIMES WHEN SHE IS PARTICULARLY UNENDURABLE, HE REMEMBERS THE OTHER ONE.
“There is no harm in a summer flirtation,” says many a young man. But what is fair for one is fair for the other, and |
When it comes to the more serious business of life, this young man should he the last to blame her for exercising a little forethought. |
NOT A FLATTERER.
She: All of which only convinces me that you married me for my money.
He: Well, it may not seem probable, but I honestly loved you.
$ $ $
YES, SHE FINALLY MARRIED HIM, BUT WE UNDERSTAND FROM THE DOG THERE ARE MOMENTS WHEN IT SEEMS AS IF THERE WAS SOMETHING WANTING.
“By the way, Bishop, why is it that you always address your congregation as ‘brethren,’ and never mention the women in your sermons?”
“But, my dear Madam, the one embraces the other.”
“Oh, but, Bishop, not in church!”
THE NEW LEAF.
Bishop Gullem: My dear young lady, have you started in this year to do unto others as you would have them do unto you?
Dear Young Lady: Yes. I’ve quit speaking to those Grigsby girls.
HER FIRST APPEARANCE IN THIS COSTUME.
SHE THINKS, ON THE WHOLE, SHE FEELS MORE AT HOME IN A BALL DRESS.
IN LEAP YEAR.
AFTER THE WEDDING COMES THE PARTING OF THE WEEPING GROOM FROM HIS BROKEN-HEARTED PARENTS.
If the young man is depending upon the success of his picture for the old gentleman’s consent, when does the wedding take place?